Love in the Holiday Season: Be Present not Perfect
Margot Finley, Certified Relationship Coach and Certified Matchmaker
For newly dating couples the holiday season can be magical, but also can lead to a bit of anxiety. Especially when one may be unsure about are we or are we not officially a couple. A season full of tradition and significance poses some situations that have no clear-cut answers on how the newly smitten should navigate. While every couple is different in terms of what works best, one strategy to take the pressure off almost any situation is to disavow any expectations of perfection for either of you individually and as a couple.
In fact, these reminders to cut yourself and your loved one some slack apply to all of us in relationships, even if married for decades….
Remind yourself that relationships do not require perfection from you and relationships will never be perfect.
It is the imperfect in us that make us vulnerable and this vulnerability is key for love to flourish.
Recognize perfectionist tendencies spring from an underlying desire to control situations, ultimately to feel safe, yet actually have the opposite effect. A false exterior (perfection) may make one feel protected, but it also prevents love from getting past those walls too.
Vow to not let perfectionism steal the spontaneity and joy of a newfound connection or love
Breathe. Set aside regular time to go walking or exercise, spend time with good friends who make you laugh, do not take things too seriously, and do not think too hard about the way your relationship will play out through this holiday season.
Grant your new romantic interest as much leeway as he or she needs during this first holiday together. Juggling families, co-parenting, covid19 is quite enough for all of us. We all must try to give each other the benefit of the doubt when possible.
Ideally 75% of a couple’s interactions should be positive to be sustainable. When possible, leave the heavy pressure filled conversations and texts aside for now, especially when they may stem from an insecurity and not a real issue that needs to be resolved.
As a matchmaker, I hear every single day the raw unfiltered feedback from my single clients as they date around until focusing on one where love blossoms. The lessons learned therein are enough to fill a book, but as it pertains to this article, and how this feedback aligns with being present not perfect, here is what I will share.
It is nearly always NOT the perfectionist that tugs at the heart of the desired mate. It is always the more carefree, non-needy, joyful, light-hearted, unselfconscious, unguarded spirit that attracts.
In other words, trying too hard contributes to staying single. Let loose, be real, stop strategizing.
Do not send texts full of emotionally or philosophically heavy paragraphs. Or texts you think make you seem one way or another (sexy, sophisticated, smart, well read, whatever) which is almost always obvious and cringeworthy for everyone but the sender.
Know that trying to be seen as a tad more this or that than one naturally is will be detected by your date.
That includes gift-giving. Make gift selections based on a sincere intent to bring the recipient a bit of joy. Dig a few layers down if you have to, to assess what really your intent is. If the gift selection you are contemplating benefits you, the giver, or is selected to convey your status, or your good taste, or your social standing, or who you know, for example, then this is how you know it is time to re-think.
In closing, suffice it to say, yes we all have insecurities, and parts of ourselves we are only ready to show as a relationship progresses. That is good and as it should be. Just do your best to be present, positive and authentic along the way.